Animal Welfare Professionals

How do you deal with a death of a foster when you feel like you could have done more? 

In rescue, we all have our stories. We all have dealt with uncomfortable situations, with grief, with death. It never gets easier to lose a pet, but sometimes I feel we get more numb than those not in the rescue world. Maybe we are better at blocking out emotion, but maybe we have just seen so much miserable and have had our heartbroken so many times that when we see someone lose a pet, we almost feel nothing. 

I have lost foster dogs in the past due to various aliments. While each one hurt, I understood them. I was able to grieve and then pick up the next foster in their honor. I recently had a foster dog going through heartworm treatment. I have had several dogs with heartworm. I currently also have a hospice foster in my home with heart failure due to advanced heartworm. I am well versed in HW and the process. I wasn't surprised when the test came back positive and I wasn't worried. We've been through this before and we will get him through it. 

His test showed microfilaria so we knew it was beyond the early stages. He wasn't symptomatic at all before his first treatment. He started coughing after his first treatment and would even cough up some blood. I talked to his vet and his vet said to keep an eye on it but it was likely from his throat being irritated from the coughing. I am one to not freak out with medical stuff. I typically am more calm and collected and try to do as much holistic care as possible. I listened to the vet and promised to keep an eye on it. I gave him steam showers to add moisture to his throat and even honey to help his throat as well. He was leash walked to potty with no excessive exercise. I was guilty of letting him chase a squirrel or two or have a good romp before he started being symptomatic. He was never given long walks or runs,  but I was a little more lax with the exercise restraint than I should have been. 

Once he was symptomatic, then the ropes were reigned in. After he coughed up blood a couple times and being told to monitor it, I had so much internal debate. On one hand I debated going to our trusted emergency vet specialist but on the other hand, I was told it was just a symptom and to not worry. As a small rescue that I run myself, we operate on a very small budget. I didn't want to rush him to VSS and spend a couple grand for them to tell the same thing as his doctor. I figured I would just keep doing what we were doing. The coughing stopped and I felt better. He was good and getting through this. 

His second and third back to back treatment proved to be proof that you should never take the backseat to HW symptoms. He was miserable after treatment, as he was with the first. Never getting comfortable, panting, shaking, etc. We gave him his pain pill and doxy like clockwork, even giving him some CBD as well to try to make him comfortable. I really thought past a certain point that he was kind of milking it because he loved getting the extra special treatment. 

5 days after the last treatment, we came in from pottying and he went into the living room and grabbed his favorite toy and started to play a bit. He walked it over to his bed and plopped right now. He hadnt laid down without crying in pain since before treatment. My fiance and I looked at each other and pointed out that he must be feeling better. I laid on the bed next to him and got kisses from him while he wagged his tail. I was excited to see him so happy finally after an awful week. About 30 minutes later I went upstairs to get ready for work. He followed me up and then all hell ensued. Blood started coming out of mouth and nose with no effort. He wasnt hacking, he wasnt vomiting. It was just pouring out. I immediately wrapped him in a towel and drove straight to VSS. Upon arrival we inspected his gums and they were sheet white. He was whisked back right away. 

I paced and paced waiting for the doctor. She eventually made her way out and we talked about options. We'd start with bloodwork and chest xrays and see what they tell us and then form a game plan from there. I was instructed to leave as he would at very least be there overnight. Before I even got home I got call from the doctor. He had a pulmonary hemorrhage in his lungs. This was due to complications from the treatment. He likely had an excessive amount of worms and then dying off was causing inflammation in his lungs. The good news was his heart didnt look enlarged and his bloodwork looked good, except for an elevated amount of white blood cells, which made sense. I spent about 30 minutes on the phone with her discussing the outcome, what we could have done differently, etc. She said he was stable and the outcome looked good. We talked about the plan for him for once he comes home. He wouldnt need to see the cardiologist. We would push off his neuter for at least 6 months. We would start him on steroids and a heart medication for the time being and wean him off it before his neuter.  She seemed confident he would be okay. I got an update around 8pm and the same story was said. He was stable. He was responding to treatment and would need to be on oxygen for 24-48 hours but would likely be good to come home after that. 

2:30am that all changed. He coded. He started the bleeding again  but he had no more clotting agents. They werent able to save him. The vets did all they could but ultimately his body wasnt strong enough to endure all of the torture of the dammed heartworm. 2:30am we lost of the best dogs I have ever met. 

We went to Blytheville AR to pick up this little emaciated girl who found herself on a property of a family who was trying to find her a safe place to go. They would feed her and provided shelter, but needed her to find a rescue so she didnt have to be a stray any longer. We got to the property to discover there were more strays than her. The neighbors moved, leaving their female dog behind. The female dog found a boyfriend and had herself a little family. The neighbors feed mom, daddy, and babies. So they all just hung out. We got there expecting one little female, but ultimately found way more. As we were meeting mom and the babies, a big block headed pittie ran towards us; the dad! 

The family called him "Bull" which we changed to "Beau".

Beau was hands down one of the sweetest babies I have ever met. He had nothing but love in his heart for all things. He was vocal in the cutest way. He would do the little pittie talk anytime he needed or wanted something. If Beau was hungry or had to pee you would know. He was so snuggly. I could go on and on, but ultimately, Beau was absolutely perfect. 

Like I said, I have lost fosters in the past. This one is harder because I feel responsible. I know it's not a healthy thought to continue thinking "what if" but I cant help it. 

I should have been more diligent at the beginning about not chasing squirrels, no wrestling, etc. I shouldnt have waited till the first cough to start leash walks. I should have trusted my gut and taken him to VSS after the first sign of blood. I shouldn't  have waited till it was literally pooling out of him. I should have been adamant about him being on steriods to help with inflammation from the beginning. I shouldn't have taken it all so likely. I learned a lot from this experience. But I am sick to my stomach that this learning curve happened at the expense of one of the best dogs I have ever met. 

I never got to say goodbye. I didnt get to hold his paw and kiss his head as the doctor injected medicine to make him close his eyes. I didnt know the last time I would ever see him would be rushing him to the vet telling him to hold on. He was without me, confused and bleeding out in a vet office. That is what haunts me. 

How do you grieve and get over such a traumatic loss when you feel like you could have done more for him? 

Thankful for an outlet to let me grieve and vent. 

How do you deal with a death of a foster when you feel like you could have done more? 

In rescue, we all have our stories. We all have dealt with uncomfortable situations, with grief, with death. It never gets easier to lose a pet, but sometimes I feel we get more numb than those not in the rescue world. Maybe we are better at blocking out emotion, but maybe we have just seen so much miserable and have had our heartbroken so many times that when we see someone lose a pet, we almost feel nothing. 

I have lost foster dogs in the past due to various aliments. While each one hurt, I understood them. I was able to grieve and then pick up the next foster in their honor. I recently had a foster dog going through heartworm treatment. I have had several dogs with heartworm. I currently also have a hospice foster in my home with heart failure due to advanced heartworm. I am well versed in HW and the process. I wasn't surprised when the test came back positive and I wasn't worried. We've been through this before and we will get him through it. 

His test showed microfilaria so we knew it was beyond the early stages. He wasn't symptomatic at all before his first treatment. He started coughing after his first treatment and would even cough up some blood. I talked to his vet and his vet said to keep an eye on it but it was likely from his throat being irritated from the coughing. I am one to not freak out with medical stuff. I typically am more calm and collected and try to do as much holistic care as possible. I listened to the vet and promised to keep an eye on it. I gave him steam showers to add moisture to his throat and even honey to help his throat as well. He was leash walked to potty with no excessive exercise. I was guilty of letting him chase a squirrel or two or have a good romp before he started being symptomatic. He was never given long walks or runs,  but I was a little more lax with the exercise restraint than I should have been. 

Once he was symptomatic, then the ropes were reigned in. After he coughed up blood a couple times and being told to monitor it, I had so much internal debate. On one hand I debated going to our trusted emergency vet specialist but on the other hand, I was told it was just a symptom and to not worry. As a small rescue that I run myself, we operate on a very small budget. I didn't want to rush him to VSS and spend a couple grand for them to tell the same thing as his doctor. I figured I would just keep doing what we were doing. The coughing stopped and I felt better. He was good and getting through this. 

His second and third back to back treatment proved to be proof that you should never take the backseat to HW symptoms. He was miserable after treatment, as he was with the first. Never getting comfortable, panting, shaking, etc. We gave him his pain pill and doxy like clockwork, even giving him some CBD as well to try to make him comfortable. I really thought past a certain point that he was kind of milking it because he loved getting the extra special treatment. 

5 days after the last treatment, we came in from pottying and he went into the living room and grabbed his favorite toy and started to play a bit. He walked it over to his bed and plopped right now. He hadnt laid down without crying in pain since before treatment. My fiance and I looked at each other and pointed out that he must be feeling better. I laid on the bed next to him and got kisses from him while he wagged his tail. I was excited to see him so happy finally after an awful week. About 30 minutes later I went upstairs to get ready for work. He followed me up and then all hell ensued. Blood started coming out of mouth and nose with no effort. He wasnt hacking, he wasnt vomiting. It was just pouring out. I immediately wrapped him in a towel and drove straight to VSS. Upon arrival we inspected his gums and they were sheet white. He was whisked back right away. 

I paced and paced waiting for the doctor. She eventually made her way out and we talked about options. We'd start with bloodwork and chest xrays and see what they tell us and then form a game plan from there. I was instructed to leave as he would at very least be there overnight. Before I even got home I got call from the doctor. He had a pulmonary hemorrhage in his lungs. This was due to complications from the treatment. He likely had an excessive amount of worms and then dying off was causing inflammation in his lungs. The good news was his heart didnt look enlarged and his bloodwork looked good, except for an elevated amount of white blood cells, which made sense. I spent about 30 minutes on the phone with her discussing the outcome, what we could have done differently, etc. She said he was stable and the outcome looked good. We talked about the plan for him for once he comes home. He wouldnt need to see the cardiologist. We would push off his neuter for at least 6 months. We would start him on steroids and a heart medication for the time being and wean him off it before his neuter.  She seemed confident he would be okay. I got an update around 8pm and the same story was said. He was stable. He was responding to treatment and would need to be on oxygen for 24-48 hours but would likely be good to come home after that. 

2:30am that all changed. He coded. He started the bleeding again  but he had no more clotting agents. They werent able to save him. The vets did all they could but ultimately his body wasnt strong enough to endure all of the torture of the dammed heartworm. 2:30am we lost of the best dogs I have ever met. 

We went to Blytheville AR to pick up this little emaciated girl who found herself on a property of a family who was trying to find her a safe place to go. They would feed her and provided shelter, but needed her to find a rescue so she didnt have to be a stray any longer. We got to the property to discover there were more strays than her. The neighbors moved, leaving their female dog behind. The female dog found a boyfriend and had herself a little family. The neighbors feed mom, daddy, and babies. So they all just hung out. We got there expecting one little female, but ultimately found way more. As we were meeting mom and the babies, a big block headed pittie ran towards us; the dad! 

The family called him "Bull" which we changed to "Beau".

Beau was hands down one of the sweetest babies I have ever met. He had nothing but love in his heart for all things. He was vocal in the cutest way. He would do the little pittie talk anytime he needed or wanted something. If Beau was hungry or had to pee you would know. He was so snuggly. I could go on and on, but ultimately, Beau was absolutely perfect. 

Like I said, I have lost fosters in the past. This one is harder because I feel responsible. I know it's not a healthy thought to continue thinking "what if" but I cant help it. 

I should have been more diligent at the beginning about not chasing squirrels, no wrestling, etc. I shouldnt have waited till the first cough to start leash walks. I should have trusted my gut and taken him to VSS after the first sign of blood. I shouldn't  have waited till it was literally pooling out of him. I should have been adamant about him being on steriods to help with inflammation from the beginning. I shouldn't have taken it all so likely. I learned a lot from this experience. But I am sick to my stomach that this learning curve happened at the expense of one of the best dogs I have ever met. 

I never got to say goodbye. I didnt get to hold his paw and kiss his head as the doctor injected medicine to make him close his eyes. I didnt know the last time I would ever see him would be rushing him to the vet telling him to hold on. He was without me, confused and bleeding out in a vet office. That is what haunts me. 

How do you grieve and get over such a traumatic loss when you feel like you could have done more for him? 

Thankful for an outlet to let me grieve and vent.